It’s almost time to wrap up my three years at home and head back into the working world.

I’m so ready. I know it’s the right fit for our family. Yet, I’m kind of driving myself crazy swinging from one emotion to the other about the whole return.

One minute I’m anxious about the changes.  Then I get really excited for the changes.  Then I realize I’ve checked out here at home and I’m sucking at mom duties so then I feel guilty.  Eventually I come around again and I’m an awesome mom. But through it all I’m still a little nervous.  It’s a big change.  One I know we’ll survive and will be good for all of us, but it’s the fear of the unknown adjustment period that gets me.

I’ve attempted to write some sort of “closure” post about the transition several times, but I can’t seem to get into words how I feel – maybe because I feel so much right now.

What I’ve realized is that on my list of the many things I’m going to miss, I’m also not going to miss them. Make sense?  Well, it’s like this:

I’m going to miss being lazy.

Right now I stay in bed up to 30 minutes after my girls are up. Nick is up getting ready, he takes care of Lana’s needs and Mariah can take care of herself. I slowly wake up alone (because I don’t do well with people in the morning – just ask my college suite mates or my hubby) while I check my phone reading blogs and stalking social media. Some days we stay in jammies until 10 if we’re staying home. And lately we watch WAY too much PBS in the mornings. I still take afternoon naps some days.

But then I’m not.

Because when I start the day a lazy bum, I can’t get the motivation going for the rest of the day. Having daily goals makes a better day for me.  Being unproductive really effects my mood.  I’m looking forward to being productive again which will hopefully make for a happier me again.

I’m going to miss being the main influence in my girls’ lives.

Right now I have complete control to mold and shape my girls’ values.  I get to decide how discipline will go.  I’m their example, I set the tone, I see and know their every need and how best to meet those needs, I control the playdates, I decide what they see and hear.

But then I’m not.

Because they need other voices.  They need other role models because Lord knows I screw up an awful lot. Kids normally listen to other adults more than their parents anyway – so why not put more adults in their lives?  “It takes a village” they say, and right now our village is REALLY small. Having other creative ideas for how to meet their needs and help them grow seems better than spending too much time consulting the Google.  I also want them to see and accept differences in others – adults and kids – so they can learn to better stand up for their beliefs and convictions. I can’t hide them from the world forever, so let’s start now making steps to have the discussions about what goes on around us.

I’m going to miss time with my girls.

I spend pretty much every minute with my girls (especially now in the summer).  I get an hour during Mariah’s “rest time” and some time at the YMCA, but I’m with them all. the. time.

But then I’m not.

I’m learning that just because I spend a ton of time with them doesn’t mean it’s quality time.  I’m not giving them my full attention very often. I’m trying to get other things done, or I’m just so tired of being around them constantly that I try to escape on my phone or  in a book. I’m looking forward to quality time instead of so much quantity of time. Time when I really focus on them and enjoy being with them.

I’m going to miss sister bonding time.

Oh wait. I’m not.  because sister time is usually sister fighting time. I think the quantity vs quality thing is an issue here too. For heavens sake, they’re sick of each other. While I can’t expect being apart for the majority of the day to solve all the fighting issues, at least they’ll have some more practice being nice to peers, maybe some will rub off into sibling time?

I’m going to miss going to the gym three times a week.

It’s been a good time to clear my mind and get the endorphins pumping. It’s been good for me.

But then I’m not.

Because I really hate working out.  Still. After 11 months of 3 times a week. Couldn’t find the love. And couldn’t lose any weight which makes me more bitter about the whole place and experience. I might join the gym at work, I might join planet fitness across the street.  Maybe I’ll get up early and walk/run.  Who knows? And maybe one day I’ll see that scale go down.

I’m going to miss all the things a little, but then I’m not.  

Because what comes next is different and fresh and new.  And I need change in my life and routine.  We all do in this house.  Three years is a long time for me to stay in the same routine.  The semester changes and summer breaks really are so so good for my soul.  Lots of fresh starts, new goals and accomplishments.  And my girls get to see more faces and make more friends and live outside of this house finally.  It’s time.  And I’m ready. We’re all ready.