So much has changed in this last year. Woah.

It was just a few days after I turned 30, that my life really turned around.  My 20’s were covered by a rain cloud and I fumbled around in the darkness and fog trying to see glimpses of light. I’d spent so much time trying to do everything myself and felt guilty for not measuring up to the unrealistic standards I’d set for myself.  I rebelled and fought against letting God take care of me. I thought I had to get myself in perfect shape before I could have a close relationship with God again.

Last April I found the exact opposite to be true.  Once I admitted I couldn’t do it alone and that I needed him, I started to see through the clouds above my head.  Little glimpses of sunshine peeked through.  And little by little, as I let go of my need for control and trusted God, that heavy fog lifted.  I can feel again. I can breathe again. It’s wonderful. I still have days when I settle into a bit of a funk, but it doesn’t last too long.

So today I turn 31. I’m having a harder time with 31 than I did with 30.  30 is a fun milestone to conquer.  31 means I’m IN my 30’s.  Yikes!

But I have a bit of a theme song for this time in my life.

For the First Time by John Legend.

This man is FULL of soul.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t help to close my eyes and tilt my head slowly from side to side when I listen to him.  (Think Stevie Wonder – it’s how I feel it, ok?) His voice, the swell of the music, or the booty-shaking rhythm.  I love everything about John Legend’s music.

When he’s not singing about making love to his lady, his songs usually “take me to church” (an odd combination I realize).  Lots of times the lyrics talk about changing the world, showing love…lots of Biblical principles in there.

Anyway.  Back to my current theme song. For the First Time. It’s about being awake, breathing and loving for the first time after a long darkness.  The lyrics are below, but you really have to listen to it to fully experience it.

Is that music in my ear?
It’s like I heard nothing for a thousand years
My eyes were closed, locking in my tears

I was so surrounded but still all alone
A great big house but so far from home
How’d you breathe life in this heart of soul

It’s like I can feel, it’s like I can breathe
It’s like I can live, it’s like I can love
For the first time, for the first time
For the first time, for the first time

I’m electric, finally exposed
You see through me, strip off all my clothes
If this is falling, then let me go, oh

***

I’m finally awake and I can feel my heart
It’s beating like a drum when I’m right here where you are
I can feel it, I can feel it, oh
Can you feel it

It’s like I can feel, it’s like I can breathe
It’s like I can live, it’s like I can love
For the first time, for the first time
For the first time, for the first time

So today, as I start life IN my 30’s, I’m going to close my eyes and listen to John. I’m going think about how this past year has unfolded.  How grateful I am for being awakened to my beautiful life.  I’m going to be thankful for God’s grace and how much he’s taught me in this past year and continues to teach me.

I’m also going to eat Chick-fil-a and spend time with my family and be really lazy just like you should be on your birthday. :)