So in 8 days I’m supposed to run my first ever 5K.  Yeah. About that…..

I’ll just be dancewalking. I don’t want to miss out on the whole experience of the night and not get my money’s worth.  That’s what I’m telling myself so I feel better about sucking at training and preparing for it. But we all know the truth is I sucked at the training.  I mean, I have “good” reasons.  I had a little in office procedure done that kept me out of the gym one day and caused me to slow down a bit.  Then there’s the fear of pelvic prolapse that I want to be mindful of because I do have a few signs.

But honestly, I’m hating running again.  Hating the gym. And hating my body.

Here’s the deal….

I’ve been faithful to go to the gym 3 days a week for an hour.  FOR NINE MONTHS!!!  And I have lost ZERO POUNDS! (I do not apologize for the screaming or all that is yet to come)  I’ve met with a trainer, had sessions with him and followed his plan for me.  I got stronger, yes.  I also go bored. I run/walk.  I did a few weeks of  a 30 day “crossfit” home challenge.  I take a Barre class.  It kicked my butt and I could hardly walk. My jeans fit a little TEENY bit looser. That’s not enough for me.

I HAVE A GOAL WEIGHT!!!

I want to meet that goal weight.

Or I’d like to at least come close to it.  OR JUST LOSE SOME FREAKIN’  WEIGHT!

Or even just see a difference in my appearance.

It makes me mad, because 6 years ago I lost 15 pounds in 6 months doing less than I do now.

And you can judge and give me all the ideas you want in all the world.  But just know this:  I KNOW THEM ALL.  ALL of them.

I need to work harder, or count calories, or eat only meat or no meat, cut out sugar or carbs, or be at the gym every day, or drink more water…….All of them.  I know.  Believe me I know.

So here’s my dilemma, the reason one of the reasons I struggle so much:

I flop back and forth with being happy with my current weight and body shape, and striving for the goal weight and body.

Well, actually I’m NEVER happy with my current weight and body shape.  I hate it.  I hate that squishy saggy wrinkled from stretch marks stomach.  The one where the abs won’t come back together and I look like I’m still 4 month pregnant.  I hate my squishy arms and double chin and that my thighs are so big, my knees aren’t defined anymore.  I seriously hate it all.

And so I think going to the gym and losing weight will fix those problems.  That’s how it’s supposed to work.  But it’s not working.

So I try to accept the shape I am.  To love myself.  Afterall, I’m not in the overweight range yet.  (Normal BMI goes to 24.9 – that’s EXACTLY where I am) But it’s so hard.  So ridiculously hard.  I swore I would never let myself get fat.  Whelp. Here I am.  Fat.  And I can’t seem to fix it.

I decided to get things checked out by a doctor.  To see if there’s something preventing me from losing weight.  I’ll have some bloodwork results next week, but you know what she told me today?

“Not getting enough sleep really throws off your cortisol levels which could keep you from losing weight.  You should be getting a full 8-9 hours a night. That’s probably the biggest factor in all this.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  Oh lady.  It’s a good thing you didn’t tell me that this time last year.  I might have punched you in the face.  But really, you think I can get a full 8-9 hours every night with a toddler cutting molars and complaining about “scaries” in her bed? Or what about the fact that I have to get up to pee at least once or twice per night?  Or the 5 year old who needs the occasional snuggle or lotion on her legs because she’s allergic to all the things outdoors? Oh, and the 2 year old has an internal clock set for a 5:45 wake up.

So yeah.  Sleep won’t happen for a few more years.

*sigh*

I’m done complaining now. I’ll wait for those lab results.  And in the meantime?  I’ll work on loving my current shape a little more while still going to the gym.  Blah.

Please ignore the fact that I ate half a chocolate bar while writing this.  It’s been a tough day.  And chocolate hasn’t been in my house for awhile.  Thank you.