After a weekend of shopping for new clothes, I’m filled with all these questions and feelings swirling around in my head about the body I currently live in…..

First of all I look in the mirror and ask myself “Who am I?” I’m in total denial about the person who looks back at me.  Where on earth is that cute little size 2/xs girl who looks amazing in every piece of clothing she tries on? I miss her.  I really liked her and she gave me confidence.

I don’t even own a full length mirror anymore.  I don’t want to see my whole body in one shot.  When I try clothes on in a store it grosses me out to see my current shape and how horribly everything fits. This weekend I tried on a size I swore I’d never wear.  It fit.  Technically the size smaller would’ve fit too, but they were out of that size and $50 Anne Taylor shorts for $17 – I can’t pass that up. I still haven’t put them on again.  I cry a little inside to think I have to wear that size.

I’ve probably done this to myself of course – all those promises growing up that I’d never be fat.  Then when I was pregnant, I swore I’d lose baby weight super fast like all the cute moms at church.

Then I think “I’m a mama.  I birthed two healthy children and should be proud of those extra pounds and stretch marks.” It’s a thing to #loveyourlines. But I sure don’t.  I’m not proud of any of those stupid lines or how I still look 4 months pregnant. How on earth could I learn to love those wrinkles or extra rolls? How to people do it?  How do people have enough confidence in their own shape or size? Because I know there are women bigger than me who walk with their heads held high.
Or does everyone feel this way?  Does every woman hate some part of herself and wrestle with these thoughts?  Does it cripple them like it does me?

I’ve been taking my thoughts to the Lord trying to find peace where I am and the confidence to let those negative thoughts go.  The verse my girls and I are memorizing this week is Psalm 139:14 “I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made”.  But the bible also says we’re to take care of our bodies.  So what am I supposed to do?  Be content with how I’m “made”? (btw, he made me skinny, right) Or keep working to take care of myself and get out of the overweight BMI category?

Can I do both?

Because remember, I’m a quitter.  I hate working out with a passion.  I don’t have the willpower to stick with the same routine and habits for very long.  Twice I did.  Eight years ago I lost 20 pounds just by using the elliptical and halfheartedly lifting some weights 4 times a week for a school year.  Then I stuck with a three times a week YMCA routine for a full year last year.

But zero pounds were lost. Zero. I had trainer sessions, I did a couch to 5K program, I took a barre class…zero. Zero. stinking. pounds.  The clothes didn’t even fit better. How’s that for positive reinforcement? At the end of last summer, my doctor told me my vitamin D levels were very low and could’ve been contributing to the problem.  That and my lack of sleep (thanks children). Great. Then I went back to work full time.  Yeah, no motivation or time to work out = 10 extra pounds. TEN!

*sigh* This post is just as much a mess as what goes on in my head.  Jumbled thoughts, reflections and no conclusions.  How can I have mental health while working towards physical health? How do I find a way to work towards a weight loss goal while still being confident if I can’t shed the pounds? Where am I supposed to land in this back and forth debate?