While I jog along on the treadmill, my thoughts wander all over the place. On a good day they start low and end on a positive note where I feel I’ve accomplished a great feat. On a day like Saturday, I spiral up and then back down again.

I hate this I don’t want to run today

Man my legs are heavy

Ooo. My hip.

*sigh* 20 more minutes

a little bit of prayer

trying to dance to the music discreetly

I should sign up for a race where someone follows me with a giant boom box on their shoulder so I can dance/run.

visions of a 5K turned flash mob

Do they even make giant boom boxes anymore?

Our jambox would work. Maybe Nick can hold it.

I’ll up my pace for a few minutes so I can start speeding up my runs

FIVE minutes at the faster pace! I’m awesome.

Maybe I WILL sign up for a race.

Seriously, is there a dancing race?

Nick says putting the incline at 2.0 will make my treadmill running more like real running.

WHAAAAT?! THIS. SUCKS!

I. Can’t. Breathe.

Great. All my training has been fake.

I can’t run in the real world.

Forget the race.

I didn’t even run a real mile.

It’s all a lie!

That’s the short version of how it went of course – I’ll spare you the full 30 minutes of dialog. I don’t understand what people mean when they say running helps them clear their heads. Running fills my head with too many thoughts and ideas I can’t write down on a list or actually do because I’m, you know, RUNNING!

This learning to run business brings to light a lot of non-running related issues in my life. Like this signing up for a race thing. My thoughts start out like this…

I’ve had several people ask me if I’ve signed up for a race yet. Nope. I have no desire to sign up for a race. Running learning to run has been a solo thing for me.  I prefer to run on the treadmill at the far corner of the gym where it’s pretty dead. I don’t want anyone I know seeing me run. I get sweaty and I don’t know how good my form is since I don’t run with mirrors.  And for pete’s sake I’m SLOW.  I’m still learning, so why would I sign up when I’m not ready?

Then I think about the life lessons in all this…

I don’t need to be a perfect runner to try a race, right? After all, I’ve been trying to learn I can’t always be perfect. I’d have lots of people cheering me on and supporting me – kind of like instagram in real life? Maybe I need that. Maybe I need to feel supported in real life more often. What’s REALLY holding me back from trying this? Fear of failure maybe? *sigh*

As of right now, I’m still working through my issues. I’m still not ready to run a race yet – or even sign up for one. I’ll probably get there eventually, in my own time. But it’s interesting to me how much this learning to run business mirrors other, deeper obstacles I need to overcome. Has anyone else learned life lessons from running?