I keep standing in my girls’ room and soaking it all in. Because this week it’s about to make a big milestone leap I’m not quite ready to accept. This week we move out the crib and toddler bed and replace them with bunk beds. It’s time for the change considering Mariah is outgrowing her toddler bed and while I’m excited for the change, there’s always a little grieving that happens when these big shifts take place.

I stand in the room and remember when it used to be so empty.  Just a desk in the corner and a futon chair by the window.  I spent many days reading, journaling and staring out the window from that chair. We brought home the teeniest little kitten and kept her safe in that room, away from our first cat, until they could get along. I did a “photoshoot” with my cats in that room. They were my little companions. My world.

Then my world changed.  After over a year of trying to get pregnant, little Mariah was on the way.  We painted a mural on the wall.  Because it was just a year or two before all those cool wall decals came out (dangit!).  So I went old school and brought home the work projector.  We traced the flowers on the wall and painted them in.  The room was gender neutral because we were NOT into pink, even if we were expecting a girl.  Mariah slept in her bed from the first night she came home, and the room became hers.  I rocked and nursed her in the new chair by the window. I’d stare out the window and dream while snuggling her.

Two-ish years later, a sister was on the way.  Mariah gravitated to all things pink and frilly and ballet and princess without any of our prompting – so we gave in.  A pink girly room for two sisters it would be.  We Nick painted light pink over the mural and that darn brown stripe and we transformed the room a bit.  More pictures. More art. More frills.  Thank goodness Pinterest had come along! Lana didn’t sleep in her room for awhile – she snuggled in with us for a few months.  And later we did tons of rocking and singing and praying that she’d sleep through the night in that beautiful room.  She finally did, and now she ignores almost all toys to play tea party in her room on her “big girl bed”.

And while we won’t paint again and the pictures and art will just shift a bit, this change is the hardest for me.

That crib. The one that held my babies for 5 years. The one they chewed and kicked and dropped their pacifier out of. It’s leaving.  And maybe that’s why this is so hard.  It means no more babies. *sigh*  While we know that we know that we know we’re done with babies, it’s still a little sad when we let things like this go. So I’m allowing myself a little time to grieve this passing.  But at the same time to be thankful for sweet, beautiful, healthy babies who showed that crib so much love (and hate at times). And I’m excited for the bunk beds (“bumpy beds” as Lana calls them). Because those beds will be with them until they leave this house, so I won’t have to grieve for them for many many years.