Two weeks.

We’ve survived. And for the most part it’s really gone well considering how big of a shift this has been in our lives.

Mariah’s adjusted well to her summer camp.  She was mad at us that we put her in French Immersion camp right across the hall and “away from” her new friends, but by the end of her time there she liked it. She’s already speaking some French which is fun to hear. She likes eating the free lunch in the cafeteria (I’m glad to not have to pack lunches yet), playing on the playground 2-3 times a day, and riding a bus for field trips. We never really know what goes on though between her 5 year old brain that can’t remember everything, the wild stories she likes to make up, and the lies she likes to tell. That’s hard for this mama who likes control.

Lana did well and no tears at drop off until day 6. But she asks to do all the things we used to do.  She wants to go to the pet store, library, noodle restaurant, zoo, grocery store, or just stay home. It’s hard for her little two and a half year old mind to understand this big shift.  Her entire world has changed.  She’s only ever known staying with me.  And that’s one of the parts that gets me the most.  *sigh* She has fun, they say she only asks for me a few times a day most days, but I miss those after nap snuggles and our one on one time when Mariah was at preschool.

The line “Conceal. Don’t feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know” plays in my head on the mornings I sit in my car sucking up the tears before heading into work.  Once I’m in the office and busy, the tears are gone and I’m in the groove of the job I’m so glad to be back to. And honestly, I haven’t had too many teary mornings.  And only one big teary breakdown before bed.

I didn’t expect the change to be so hard on me.  I’m not sure why I didn’t prepare myself for it.  Just being a mom and thinking about her kid’s needs first? I’m not sure.  Even though I love my job and leave most afternoons feeling energized by my productivity, I’m worn out. Physically exhausted. Mentally drained in a whole new way. Sometimes even feeling a little guilty for making this choice or wondering if it was the right one.

Nick’s been so good to us in all this.  I wake up early and get ready alone (most days when my girls actually stay in bed until 6:30) and then head down for breakfast.  I’m crabby around people in the morning, remember? Nick does most of the work getting the girls ready.  When we return home, he’s been doing the cooking.  I planned out meals for two months, but he’s stepped in and made all but one of the dinner meals. He’s a good man.

In the evening and on the weekends, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.  I’ve spent the last three years treating that time like my “time off”.  I never felt guilty about doing my own thing during that time or getting away.  Now I feel like I should be spending all of that engaged with my girls, but I’m tired and want a break too.  So I’m learning what that time is supposed to look like and how I’m supposed to feel. On a positive note, such little time at home all week seems to help the girls entertain themselves better since they’ve “missed” their toys. There’s still not much change in the amount of sister fights, but I suppose that will always be around.

So overall, we’re adjusting.  We’re tired. I’m learning to deal with all the feelings. And oh there are so many feelings. But it’s a good change that will soon become normal.