Where I’ve landed: Thoughts on Unconditional Parenting
Tuesday, 6 May 2014
Alright. I’m finally ready to put my thoughts out there about the Unconditional Parenting book. I’ve written about what led me to read it and I’ve given a summary of the book too. It’s taken me a really long time to process my thoughts on this whole philosophy of parenting and I’ve wrestled with my own values and beliefs over and over during the last week or so. I’m still not at a place where I’ve come to firm opinions or conclusions, but I’ll share my thought process with you here today.
I really like that this way of parenting is focused around unconditional love. The way Christ loves us. No matter what we do or how we treat him or others, he loves us unconditionally. He will forgive us and forget our wrongs and take us back no questions asked each time we run away or rebel. For the longest time, even growing up in church and attending and working at a Christian college, I had the idea that our relationship with God was about following all the rules. I’ve since learned it’s not. Not at all. We end up wanting to follow the guidelines Christ sets out in the Bible because of his love for us and our love for him. Once we see and understand his love for us, we can’t help but want to follow and obey him with all our hearts. So we should be modeling unconditional love in the way we parent our children. It should be more than just telling them we love them no matter what.
I also agree with treating children the same way we’d treat our peers. Would we boss our friends around or punish them for their behavior? Maybe some people do, but it’s not the norm and not how most of us act. I agree we should be models for our children, showing them how to live out the morals we’d like them to develop, so it makes sense to be using the kind of language and tone of voice we’d use with other adults with our children.
The other part I like is taking time to ask questions about what happened and why it happened in order for the child to process the morality behind his or her actions. When there’s a conflict, the child can retell what happened so they’re able to be heard and valued, and then they can look deeper to see why they did what they did. This helps you as the parent to address the deeper conflict rather than only the behavior that resulted. It also gives you a chance to talk about options for future conflicts “what could you have done instead?” (or could you do next time). Instead of just stopping a fight or wrong behavior, you’re working towards preventing future conflicts and developing the whole child. Working with instead of doing to which Kohn likes to say.
Overall, the book helped me to see I need to “Let it Go!” more than I do right now. Choose my battles. Quit commanding and demanding every move. Let them be kids and have some freedom. Make their own choices even if it’s not what I’d like to do. When you need to step in, it’ll be more effective and meaningful when you haven’t been constantly battling with your kids all day. I like control. I like calm and quiet and neatness. This is super hard for me. I giggled out loud when I read Kohn’s words: “If you’re unwilling to give up any of your free time, if you want your house to stay quiet and clean, you might consider raising tropical fish” (p. 135)
I don’t agree that behavior modification is all bad. That training with punishment or rewards should never be used. I think most parents (myself included) use this method most often and we should make the shift to use more of the methods Kohn suggests, but we can’t and shouldn’t avoid some form of behavior modification. I do think we should praise our children for a job well done, and that they do need to face some sort of consequence sometimes. It’s how it works in the real world. How can they hold a job without learning these concepts? How can they learn to sleep without a crib, or hold your hand when crossing the road, or put on a coat in the middle of winter without this? You can’t reason and have a discussion about everything. You can add to the behavior modification by letting them know you understand they don’t like what you’re doing and explain why they need to do it, but sometimes you just can’t let them run wild and free.
I don’t know how damaging a system of rewards and punishments is on our children in the long run. Sure, his book is full of research on how it will screw us all up and he paints a picture of how I turned out, but again I’m not sure how much is nature vs nurture or even the method a parent uses when choosing behavior modification.
What does the Bible really says about how we should parent?
I always grew up hearing the verses “Spare the rod, spoil the child” (Proverbs 13:24) and “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not part from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) That’s about it. I’d never really taken the time to see for myself what else it might have to say.
Like most things in the Bible, there isn’t a section on parenting, just like there’s not a section on most other topics I’d like to learn about. I did take some time to research a few key verses and I’ve started to simply look at how God “parents” his people. (Which is where I come into a whole new set of problems for myself in trying to figure out how much of the Old Testament should we follow because he’s pretty harsh sometimes in that section.)
A really helpful look at these ideas came from a pastor’s blog that turned up in a Google search. It got my wheels turning. I also found an interesting series of articles against spanking that explains the context of Proverbs 13:24 and has me thinking even more.
Reading all these new ideas threw me for a big loop. It had me question everything I was currently doing with my girls. It made me feel guilty when I couldn’t stay calm and help them find the real meaning behind their actions. I didn’t know whether I should let them have freedom or to rein them in. I saw how selfish I am in how I parent. I flopped around all over the place trying to find a good place to land. It also didn’t help that we were in the middle of colds/sinus/allergies and molar cutting while I fumbled.
So for now, the ideas above are where I’ve landed. Nick and I still need to work out what issues we’ll be letting go and what to stand firm on, but I’ve come to the conclusion that my girls are going to turn out ok even if I don’t do it all “right”. You’d think by now I’d know it’s not about doing things right. But letting go of perfectionism is the hardest lesson for me to learn.
Ok. So I thought I’d heard everything when it came to getting kids to listen and obey.
I grew up volunteering in Sunday School, worked at a daycare, my mom’s been a preschool teacher and administrator for most of my life, I have a degree in Elementary Education and I took an entire class dedicated to classroom management. I’d put all the strategies I’d learned into practice during clinicals, student teaching, teaching a college course and taking on the role of preschool director at my current church. Not to mention I’ve been a parent for 5 years.
Seriously. I thought I’d heard it all.
It all came down to either you punish or reward a child’s behavior. Positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement. Both of these work best when combined with reasoning. Explaining the why behind the behavior. Most every parenting book said about the same thing, it was just wrapped in a different package. When I found a book with a new idea, I was thrown for a loop.
According to Alfie Kohn, in his book Unconditional Parenting both of these options are detrimental to a child’s well being. That not only is punishment (even in the form of a time out) bad for a kid’s mental health, so is a system of rewards.
Wait, what?!
Yeah.
Let me explain. But it’ll be brief. He dedicates 6 out of the 10 chapters to tell you why it’s a poor choice. If you’re intrigued, please read it because his examples and explanations are much better than this little nutshell I’m about to give you. My teachers always told me I was concise, so here you go…super short and simple version of the first 6 chapters:
Even though you know that you love your child unconditionally, and you tell your child you love them no matter what they do, the popular forms of punishment or reward say just the opposite to a child. Kohn calls these forms of parenting conditional parenting. When you spank or send a child to timeout, you are withdrawing yourself (and therefore, your love) from them. According to Kohn, isolating a child in order for him or her to “think about what you just did” usually isn’t what ends up happening. Usually they spend their time thinking about how you’ve abandoned them and how mean you are – especially when they’re young. Conditional parenting also happens when rewards are used. You praise your child when they’re good, therefore your love is conditional based on their behavior.
Kohn would argue these forms of behavior modification are just that behavior modification. They don’t address the long term goals you have for your children because morals and self-discipline are lacking. Children learn to do only what needs to be done in order to please their parents, not what might be morally right or have other’s best interests in mind. Or, the opposite might happen where the child rebels and acts out and neither of these forms of parenting are of any use. And even if you talk things through while using these systems (explaining the why), you still can’t be effective because your behavior (love withdraw) speaks much louder than and works against your words.
All of this is backed up by lots of research and studies. Which I’ve yet to see in any parenting books I’ve read so far. Now, I understand research is one sided when making a case, and there very well might be research out there that says the opposite, but research and studies included in a parenting book certainly makes it seem more legit to me.
The research and studies were about how harmful these forms of parenting can be for a child. It resonated with me, because I turned out to be one of those kids/adults in the studies. I rarely speak my mind or question authority, but at the same time I rebel against authority in small “not so bad” ways – ways where I can’t get caught or in trouble (and sometimes just in my mind). I have lower self-esteem, I’ve been ridiculously self centered most of my life, I fear failure, I had an extremely hard time learning to think for myself in college and early adulthood….
But I don’t know how much of this is from how I was disciplined, and how much of it is simply my personality because Nick and I both grew up being spanked and given rewards for good behavior. He’s very secure, speaks his mind, is an independent and creative thinker, has compassion for others…. So who knows. I think personality certainly plays into the mix.
Ok, so what DOES work if we can’t reward or punish?
Good question.
The short answer: “Working With” instead of “Doing To”.
Focusing on the whole child and your long term goals for him or her instead of simply changing the current behavior. This can be done by showing unconditional love, allowing them more opportunities to make decisions, and trying to see things from their point of view.
Instead of constantly telling them what to do and how to behave, telling them no and assuming you know what they need or want – allow them to participate. To have a say. To explain themselves. To self regulate. Guide them through the thought process by asking questions.
It’s more work. It takes more time and patience. But supposedly, in the long run it’s worth it. The end result should be confident, moral, independent thinkers who can put others before themselves.
I like this idea. But it left me with lots to think about. Lots of questions and thoughts about how it’s supposed to line up with the Bible and what I thought I’d known all my life. So that’s for the next post…..
Parenting and discipline is not for the birds. It’s a never ending responsibility that requires unrelenting strength and patience. And for some reason I didn’t expect it to be this way. After all, I’d watched countless families before my girls were born and I knew exactly what NOT to do. If I just did the opposite of everyone else, my kids would turn out great. Right?
I did get a little nervous about how to raise a child right before Mariah was born, so I did what I do best, I looked for an instruction manual. I needed a plan to follow. A formula. A + B = C I read the book most recommended to me from families with well behaved children – Babywise. It was full of formulas and so were the mom blogs and online forums dedicated to this way of child rearing. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very good at using the advice given in the book itself – to use it as a flexible guide, not a rigid routine.
I like routine, so unpredictable children threw me for a loop. Why were they doing this TO ME? Why were they out to get me? How should I change the schedule to make them sleep all night again?
Those were the questions I asked constantly during the first year or two. Nick would always remind me “They’re just babies, they’re not out to get you.” But it was so hard for me to accept that reality. With Lana I was better at not being slave to the routine and I let go of Babywise. But it wasn’t an easy shift.
Then came the obedience “training”. The discipline part of raising children. Babywise said to “start as you mean to go” and train them right away. No hands in mouth when learning to eat baby mush from mama’s spoon, telling them no and giving a hand squeeze so they learn where limits are, teaching them to say “yes mama” and learn first time obedience, and give time outs. It all went pretty well with Mariah. She made us look like amazing parents. When really, now that we have Lana, I think it’s just her personality.
And now we’re into the moral training phase with my 5 year old. Training her heart is what I call it most times. I’m lost. Completely lost. Because apparently 5 means 15 for this girl. I’ve been dreading her teenage years since she was 2, but I thought I had more time before the rebellion and slamming of doors started.
Lana picked a book off the shelf at the library last week. Unconditional Parenting it was called. I thought, what the heck? I need all the help I can get.
I couldn’t put the book down. (Well, lately I’m not very good at putting any book down) It made me think about my parenting style in a whole new light.
It has me thinking so much that I’ll be sharing my thoughts over a series of a few blog posts to break it up a bit. So stay tuned. For now, you’ve got the background. A teeny glimpse at where I’d been coming from before the book came into my hands.
Dear potential Craigslist buyer,
When I list my food processor or beloved camera equipment on Craigslist, I’m looking for more than just sending you home with a sweet deal. Deep down I’m hoping for more from you. Don’t worry, I’m not a rapist or a murderer…just a stay at home mom with very limited adult conversations in my life.
So when you email me, I’ll “Facebook” your name first to check and make sure you are indeed a real person. Then, I’ll get a little background on you so I can prepare for our meeting. You won’t know this though, because I don’t want you to know I creeped on your page. If I can’t find you on Facebook, which I usually can’t since people are smart only leaving their first names for these transactions, it’s ok. I’ll just be more surprised when I see you, because I imagine what you might look like based on our emails or phone calls. And I’m never right.
When we settle on a time and place and I finally meet you, I might look a little too excited to see you. (Little adult interaction, remember?) I’ll ask why you’re interested in my items to get you talking, but these quick exchanges really aren’t long enough for me. I’d prefer to sit down to coffee and listen to your story. Afterall, you just moved here from Alaska you said, or you drove 40 minutes to get here. Let’s talk about your move, let’s make that drive worth it. Let’s chat.
You see, it’s gets lonely being around my children all day. And although I’m an introvert, I still long for an uninterrupted adult conversation, even with a stranger. But once we chat for awhile, we won’t be strangers anymore.
This may all seem a bit bizarre, I get that. But you have to understand where I’m coming from. I used to meet families and engaged couples just to hear their stories for my photography business. So for me meeting a stranger and hearing all about them is normal. I also used to teach a class where I required the students to come tell me their stories. That’s right. They got a grade to meet with me. They always thought it was weird too. But in the end most of them said they enjoyed that meeting. Just someone listening to their stories, learning about their families and how they ended up at the university. So I know you’ll like it too. Right? Right.
So stick around, won’t you? Just to tell your story.
Maybe I like stories a little too much.
Is that weird?
This winter was rough. REALLY rough. And not just here in Minnesota. It was cruel to the whole country. It took it’s toll on me mentally. In January I was starting to look for new states to live in. Where could we live without -45 degree weather? Where could we live without snow?
My most common Google searches during that time were: “average temperature in [insert big city name]” and “number of sunny days in [city]”
I was also looking for cities where I could live out my dream life. The one Nick and I talked about when we were first married. A big city where we’d live in a condo. I’d shop at the market every day for our fresh food and we wouldn’t need cars because the public transit was all we needed. We’d have “neighborhood culture” and countless restaurants to choose from when dining out. And of course…mild or no winters.
After searching way too many cities, I decided Barcelona fit the bill – and had beaches too! But I wasn’t sure I wanted to move that far and work so hard to remember my Spanish. So New York came in second. Where I could still speak English and still get snow for Christmas.
Once I’d settled on moving to NYC (I’d even looked at neighborhoods on urbancompass.com – awesome site!) I started reading Notes From a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider. She and her husband started their marriage living the dream life I’ve been wanting. They were living in Turkey with a daily market below their apartment, had fresh milk delivered every morning, walked and rode public transit everywhere, stayed at their friend’s houses for meals and long afternoons. But they ended up needing to come back to the US and settle here for a variety of reasons. After a few years of longing for their life back in Turkey, Tsh realized she could make conscious choices to live out some of her ideals right where she was.
Her book covers the areas of food, work, education, travel and entertainment in her life and tells the story of how they’ve carved out a simplified life for themselves in each of these areas. While what works for her family won’t always work for mine, the book got me thinking about how I could actually live that “dream life” right here where I am. I also started to see how we’re already living some of the goals we’d had in mind before.
We don’t live in a condo downtown, but we are in a townhome. So our goal of never mowing grass or shoveling snow has been achieved.
We don’t have a backyard to send the girls out freely during the day, but that was a desire that came last year when I shifted from my original goals. I’d forgotten how fortunate we are to have a pond with a dock in our backyard, three playgrounds we can walk to, and a swimming beach only a 5 minute drive from our house. Granted, there’s not a lot of grass like a backyard would have, but Mariah breaks out from grass anyway.
We don’t have a huge playroom where toys can be out all the time, but when we share play space with living space, we’re better at cleaning it up each night and keeping things organized. I’ve also been better at paring down toys and limiting what we purchase.
Knowing we were already on track with a few things gave me momentum to look at other areas we could get back to our goals from long ago.
The daily market. It’s my biggest dream. Seriously. And you know what? Since December, I’d been sitting half a block from the Saint Paul Farmer’s Market for an hour every Saturday. During Mariah’s ballet class I’d sit and read and try to make small talk with other moms, when my dream life was just around the corner. Even in the winter! After deciding purchasing local, grass fed, free range meat and eggs was indeed one of my goals (I’ve mocked it for years, and come to decide it’s truly the right choice for our family) I began to shop there each week for our meats. Next month the full market will be in swing so we can buy our fruits and veggies too. I’m sure I’ll end up blogging more about the switch to this type of eating, but let me just say for now – grass fed beef is like WOAH!
Sure, I want to support my local farmers, but I also want my girls to see how food grows. Which is why one of my most recent goals has been to garden in a backyard. So this year I’m stepping up my game for our balcony growing and I’ve purchased a community garden plot 5 minutes from my house. I have no idea how it will go, but hey – my girls will see how food really grows. And I will too.
In August, when I’m at my old/future job, we might end up going down to one car. Saving money, yes, but also just making things simple. We also have the option to ride the bus if needed even if it is a little bit of a pain to make the transfer. And Nick rides his bike in the summer months when I’ll be home and needing a car with the girls.
The list could go on, but MAN this post is getting long. The point in all of this is this: You might be surprised at how a few small changes or shifts in thinking could lead to a much more fulfilling life. You might not be in a place right now where you could make a big move or change in order to live out your dream, but it is possible to live a life of purpose and focus on some key areas.
And I highly recommend Tsh’s book Notes from a Blue Bike. It’s good to get the wheels turning on where you might want to make some adjustments and find a simpler life.
Last month someone asked me about the meaning behind my tattoo. And when he asked, it threw me off. I realized the only other person who’s ever asked about the heart on my wrist was my mother.
It’s funny because when I was choosing exactly what would be permanently inked into my skin, I had the meaning down to a nice little explanation. Kind of like an “elevator pitch” for a business. I also had the long version I could offer up if someone asked for more. I assumed my tattoo artist would ask me about it while the needle buzzed into my skin. (I’d probably just watched too many episodes of LA Ink to set that expectation). That didn’t happen.
I was prepared to tell everyone who saw the tattoo what it meant and why it was there.
But no one asked.
No one really even commented on it.
On the rare occasion someone talked about it, they’d say “I didn’t know you had a tattoo.” or “Cool. When did you get that?” or usually just “Cool tat.” or “I love your tat.” (Alright, I don’t think anyone actually called it a tat. It was always tattoo. I don’t even say tat.)
The more I thought about this, the more I realized I’ve never asked anyone else about their tattoo – before or after I got mine.
I wonder why this is.
Why don’t we ask about something that obviously has a deep and special meaning. That’s why we get them. I mean, even if it was a “mistake” it’s still a good story, right? I want to hear the stories behind the tattoos. (Which is probably why I watched too much LA Ink)
Anyway….
Want to hear about my tattoo? I’ll tell you about mine, you tell me about yours.
I’ve wanted a tattoo since I got married. I never really wanted one as a teenager. But every summer since I’ve been married, I’d get this “itch” to have a tattoo. I thought for the longest time it would be a butterfly on my foot. I’m SO glad I waited.
When my 30th birthday was approaching I decided that was the year I’d take the plunge. I knew I wanted something small-ish. I knew I wanted to be able to see it daily. I figured the wrist would be perfect. I was still in my dark days and trying to live with more joy, so I planned on having “JOY” tattooed in some scripty font. But then I drew a little heart on my right wrist. A TEENY heart. It was perfect.
It served as a reminder for whatever I needed that day. To live with joy, to speak gently to my girls, to speak Nick’s love language, to show compassion…. In a way, it was like a ribbon on the finger for matters of the heart and mind.
So the day I turned 30, I stepped into a little suburban tattoo parlor. $50 and 20 minutes later I had a permanent heart on my wrist.
At first I freaked out. It was HUGE compared to the teeny heart I’d been drawing on myself. What if I didn’t like it forever? What was I thinking? Maybe I should’ve waited.
But the more I saw it. The more it grew on me. And now I know it was perfect.
Nick and I joked the day I got it and he told me “Now you have a heart.” because up until that point, he was the compassionate one with the bleeding heart. Not much moved me or brought tears to my eyes.
Little did I know that a few weeks later my heart would change. Over the course of the year I turned 30, I found joy, compassion, and a heart for the Lord. I get teary at everything now. I do indeed have a heart.
So now, this little heart on my wrist is a symbol for the change that took place this past year. It couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m actually thinking about adding some watercolor splash to my heart now that I not only have a heart, but one that’s come alive again.
So I don’t quite have the elevator pitch down for what it really means …. I guess if anyone asks, they’ll have to get the long version.
Tuesday, 6 May 2014
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Saturday, 15 July 2017
Tuesday, 4 July 2017
Wednesday, 12 April 2017
Monday, 20 February 2017
Monday, 14 October 2013
Monday, 14 April 2014
Monday, 24 June 2013
Thursday, 29 December 2016
