The voices in my head

While I jog along on the treadmill, my thoughts wander all over the place. On a good day they start low and end on a positive note where I feel I’ve accomplished a great feat. On a day like Saturday, I spiral up and then back down again.


I hate this I don’t want to run today

Man my legs are heavy

Ooo. My hip.

*sigh* 20 more minutes

a little bit of prayer

trying to dance to the music discreetly

I should sign up for a race where someone follows me with a giant boom box on their shoulder so I can dance/run.

visions of a 5K turned flash mob

Do they even make giant boom boxes anymore?

Our jambox would work. Maybe Nick can hold it.

I’ll up my pace for a few minutes so I can start speeding up my runs

FIVE minutes at the faster pace! I’m awesome.

Maybe I WILL sign up for a race.

Seriously, is there a dancing race?

Nick says putting the incline at 2.0 will make my treadmill running more like real running.


I. Can’t. Breathe.

Great. All my training has been fake.

I can’t run in the real world.

Forget the race.

I didn’t even run a real mile.

It’s all a lie!


That’s the short version of how it went of course – I’ll spare you the full 30 minutes of dialog. I don’t understand what people mean when they say running helps them clear their heads. Running fills my head with too many thoughts and ideas I can’t write down on a list or actually do because I’m, you know, RUNNING!

This learning to run business brings to light a lot of non-running related issues in my life. Like this signing up for a race thing. My thoughts start out like this…

I’ve had several people ask me if I’ve signed up for a race yet. Nope. I have no desire to sign up for a race. Running learning to run has been a solo thing for me.  I prefer to run on the treadmill at the far corner of the gym where it’s pretty dead. I don’t want anyone I know seeing me run. I get sweaty and I don’t know how good my form is since I don’t run with mirrors.  And for pete’s sake I’m SLOW.  I’m still learning, so why would I sign up when I’m not ready?

Then I think about the life lessons in all this…

I don’t need to be a perfect runner to try a race, right? After all, I’ve been trying to learn I can’t always be perfect. I’d have lots of people cheering me on and supporting me – kind of like instagram in real life? Maybe I need that. Maybe I need to feel supported in real life more often. What’s REALLY holding me back from trying this? Fear of failure maybe? *sigh*

As of right now, I’m still working through my issues. I’m still not ready to run a race yet – or even sign up for one. I’ll probably get there eventually, in my own time. But it’s interesting to me how much this learning to run business mirrors other, deeper obstacles I need to overcome. Has anyone else learned life lessons from running?

2 comments on “The voices in my head

  1. Stephanie says:

    I just restarted c25k and my internal monologue involves lots of “you’re not a real runner. That girl over there? She’s a good runner. She looks good running. You look like you’re running from a zombie.” A friend of mine made me get fitted for real shoes and I felt like a fraud the whole time I was there. Somehow I haven’t yet figured out how to apply “fake it until you make it” to running!

    • Rachel says:

      Hi Stephanie! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I saw you on Instagram too. Welcome to my crazy world :) I would feel the same way if I was fitted for running shoes. I don’t feel like a runner at all. I think that’s why I keep saying I’m “learning to run”.